KellerFeller

This is a difficult post. There is so much I want to say. There is so much love and thankfulness I want to convey.

Wendy is a dear soul sister of mine. She is awesome. If you are blessed to know her, you know her zealous, big love. She and her daughter are doulas. A doula is essentially a professional supporter and servant. She supports women during pregnancy, labor and delivery, and the postpartum weeks.

If you don’t have a Wendy in your life, I recommend you find one.

We chose Wendy as our doula about 3/4 of the way through pregnancy. Anxiety haunts me. Anxiety especially haunts me when pregnancy hormones course through my veins. Hiring Wendy calmed my heart and allowed me to loosen my anxieties about labor and delivery. Nathan was hesitant to invite someone into our sacred space. Sharing moments as vulnerable as those shared in an L&D room made him uneasy.

Nathan: “I was hesitant at first because I am very private, but I am very thankful for her. [So many] women suffer silently with pre and postpartum issues.* We should never be so ‘private’ that we don’t allow others to help.”

I enjoyed my time better learning her intentional and earnest heart. I learned from her example and sought her advice. Like I said, if you don’t have a Wendy, you really should get one. Wendy’s are great.

She was one of the first people we called after we learned Keller’s tiny heart stopped beating. This was not the call she was expecting. This is a hard to call to make and a hard call to receive. She prayed over us when we couldn’t speak. She laughed with us when we needed a break from the heaviness. She cried with us when the waves of despair crashed over us. She asked and answered questions we couldn’t ask or answer. She kept our community up to date. She labored with us for over 24 hours. She gave me foot massages and made sure Nathan had water and food. Praise the Lord for our Wendy.

God’s ways are mysterious and I am working to trust in God, and meditating on how He intervenes. There is so little I know. But, I can say – thank you Lord for your love and leading us to Wendy. Thank you Lord for giving me this soul sister to serve us during our darkest hour. Thank you Lord for her tender, constant, and compassionate hand. Thank you for her prayers to You on our behalf.  (I’m not certain I have ever thanked God for someone else’s prayers to Him – but I think I should more often.) Thank you for her selfless servitude. Thank you for giving us a witness to the birth of Keller and Your presence in that delivery room. Thank you for her validation and love of Keller.

Thank you Wendy. I love you so much my heart may burst a bit. Thank you for the ever present and whole hearted support – even a year later – and what I am certain will be many, many years to come.

We are forever bonded Wendy – there is no shaking us. You will be receiving texts (holograms?) from me when I’m 57.

Wendy, filled with a talent for being present and empathetic, wrote down a few quotes from the delivery room and shared them with me. I want to share them with you. Here is a glimpse of our sacred space.

“Ground zero.”
“We’ll be there for each other, ok?”
“I just want to take care of him”
“I’m feeling a lot of peace knowing he’s ok”
“I feel still. It’s like the calm before the storm”
“We’ve become completely different people in about 12 hours”
“No matter how simple or trite people think their messages are, they all matter. All they have to say is I love you and I’m sorry and it just means so much.”
“Sometimes I need to say it out loud and then I’m not so scared.”
“I’m just so grateful for: Nurse, doc, ice, Popsicle, paper towel holder, texts, pictures, kisses, airplanes, that we came in, that we didn’t move yet, MARY, FaceTime”
“I need to be ok”
“Thank you for taking care of me. I’m going to have to say I love you because I love you.”
“You look so nice”
Telling dad he’s “not that fat”

I love how somber and comical these quotes are. I mostly love how for just a minute they can take me back to that space.

If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area and you are looking for a doula, please visit http://www.handsoflovedoula.com

*Doulas are an incredible blessing even if you have no anxiety whatsoever.