Keller was fetal perfection ;). His heartbeat was strong and visible even as early as seven weeks. For a brief moment, the Doctor believed she may have seen a “vanishing twin” (she didn’t). He was just over eight weeks then. We had to be admitted into the hospital so the “super ultra sound machine” could get a closer look. The tech said, “This baby sure is an active little thing!” Just 8 weeks old and our Keller was a mover and a shaker. He still is a mover and shaker. I like that. Every appointment thereafter was nothing but good news and reports of perfect health. Our Doctor was fantastic. Praise God for modern medicine and those who devote their lives in service of the health 0f others. Praise God for those who fill the role of Doctor with not only professionalism and intellect, but compassion. Our Doctor revered the creation occurring in our bodies. She would would often remark that life growing inside of you was “amazing”, “incredible”, and “blessed”.
It’s such fun going to prenatal visits for a healthy child. I loved hearing his strong, swishy water-muffled heartbeat. I loved seeing him wriggle on the ultrasound monitor. I loved his big visible kicks when the doctor would check my belly. Mary even loved our visits because our fabulous doctor would give her a juice box, graham crackers, and a sticker before each appointment. Spoiled little thing ;).
I’m just so thankful for the time I had with our healthy Keller. There are many things I am still working through, and there are many questions I still have not, and likely will not, ever answer. There is still anger that fogs up my brain. His death makes me mad, but taking time to “focus in” on the incredible health Keller had for nine whole months makes me thankful. Nine months of a beautiful human growing and thriving inside of me. I never had reason to worry for Keller. There were never any “scares”. There was never a bad report. There was never a cause the be fearful of the health of our boy. It was all good. I had a beautiful nine months with Keller.
Even my own health was drastically better in this pregnancy than it was in my first. I had pre-eclampsia with Mary. I was so very swollen a good bulk of the time. I had a bizarre facial rash that basically made me look like I had a red goatee. In my pregnancy with Keller, my ankles were, well, gorgeous, the whole nine months. My skin was more clear than it had ever been. I gained half the amount of weight than I did with Mary. There was just so much goodness in my pregnancy with Keller. He was just perfection. God created a perfect little boy in my womb. He knit him all up. At my last doctor appointment prior to giving birth, we could see him “practice breathing” on the monitor. His little lungs moving in and out, in and out. My doctor called this “the picture of fetal health”.
There could be (and often is) a lot of frustration, anger, and sadness that comes with the fact that Keller was just so healthy. Especially at first, this just would infuriate me. It does now too. But maybe I’m just more settled in to the fact that even though it angers me so much that Keller was PERFECT, I can also praise the Lord for his perfection. I can see it as gift. I can see those nine months and joyful doctors visits as little presents. Joyous memories that I can look back on and unwrap. Memories that provide me with moments to remember my boy and I being happy.
Maybe I’m just saying, if you have incredibly conflicting emotions, that’s ok. God gave us emotion. Emotions are difficult to grapple with. It’s hard to feel so strongly in opposite directions. Be patient with your emotions and trust the Lord to guide you through them.