I am blessed. In the days following Keller’s death, Exodus 14 was placed in my heart. We were (are) surrounded on every side, walking on dry ground by the grace of God.

Two weeks postpartum, we met with our doctor. In our consultation she asked if we had support. We both audibly laughed. Support doesn’t even seem adequate. Is there a word for unbelievable, incredible, overflowing, unwavering support?

Even before he entered this world, Keller was supported and celebrated. Our church family showered him with gifts and threw a party in anticipation of his arrival. “You are my Sunshine” was the theme. It’s a bit ironic. The day he was born was the darkest day of our lives. Sudden death and our world turned dark. Black. The moment the news reached them, our family in Christ reacted with His light.

You are sunshine brothers and sisters. You are the sun that shines in the darkest moments. You are light because He is light. Be the light. Rejoice and celebrate with those who are in the midst of joy. Hunker down and weep with those in the pit. You don’t have to create your own light. Jesus already is the light. Just shine Him, and do so actively and tirelessly.

Our Doctor was amazed by what we told her. She said it is extremely rare to be so supported in the wake of stillbirth. So for those of you who are alone, those who are pining and aching for any sort of support at all – message, email, call me. Let me hunker down beside you. He is light. He is the sun breaking through the storm. Let me shine Him.

4.27.2015

I cry every time I watch this.

It was such a rush finding out his gender. “CRAZY!” was all we could say. Having a boy? Wild!!

Isn’t he handsome? Look at that nose. He had my nose. And those toes? Stop it.

Again – this was fun news to share. Fun conversations to have, phone calls to make, texts to send. Shared joy is awesome.

Watching Mary begin to grow into her role as big sister to a baby brother was soul warming. We talked about Baby Brother Keller constantly. She kissed my belly and chatted with him. Let me just say that one of the hardest things in all of this is Mary not having her baby brother. I hate it. We all hate it.

We went out the next day to pick out an outfit for Keller. We had fun looking through all the little boy clothes. We decided to go with a robot onesie and navy pants. Solid newborn fashion choice.

We still talk about “baby brother” all the time. It’s always difficult, but beautiful, innocent, and tender. It’s hard to have a baby brother you can’t see. It confuses a poor toddler’s heart. It confuses her mommy’s heart too.

Love you baby brother. Love you so much.

 

2.6.2015

We got to share our good news with the world – Baby #2 is coming September 2015!

It’s fun to tell a big joyous secret with those you love most. It was fun telling Mary. We waited until the day we went public to tell her, because there was a high likelihood of her pointing to my belly and saying baby.

I started showing at about 6 weeks with Keller. I mean OBVIOUSLY showing. We told everyone when I was 8 weeks – mostly because there was no possible way I could keep it a secret any longer. When I am pregnant, my body very quickly proclaims it to the world.

It maybe be silly, but getting a flood of “notifications” of others sharing in your happiness is really really fun. Every time you check your phone another person has congratulated you on the new life growing inside of you – SO fun.

It is such a blessing to rally around joy. It is such a blessing to have a community of loved ones celebrating a new soul. New life is incredible. It is creation. It deserves awe and gratitude. It is to be cherished and protected.

So thank you. Thank you for recognizing and sharing in our great joy that day.

And please – redeem joy. Darkness will come. In the seasons of joy, live presently and drink it up.

And so, we trusted. January 7, 2015 we discovered our tiny child was growing inside of me. I called Nathan the very second I found out. I felt immediately connected. I was protective and overjoyed instantly. I went out to the grocery store to buy eggs, berries, avocado, and tomatoes because I had another baby I needed to feed and feed well. I think I just felt absolutely twitterpated. From that moment on, we were parents of two. We made certain each of our babies were cared for and loved up. My heart feels achey writing this post. I wish I could say more. I wish I had a million memories to share of this day. Keller’s life was so short, but it was very much a life. A big, powerful, love filled life. A life that we were told about on January 7, 2015. From that moment on, boy you have rocked our world. You are loved son. You began and ended knowing nothing but love. And that love has spread and crossed rivers and states and seas – all because you lived. And because He lives – I can – even when doubt rises up to my chin – face tomorrow.

December 31, 2014. This is our first picture as a family of four, and we didn’t even know it. I love the joy growing with a family brings.

I set a mantra for myself for 2015: “You are stronger than you know”.

I sat down intending to write about the poetry of choosing this mantra without realizing it would be the most difficult year of my life. I thought I would write how God has indeed proved I am stronger than I ever knew. And then I listened to Stronger (Zoe Group).

There is Love
That came for us
Humbled to a sinner’s cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You’re my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

(Lyrics by Hillsong)

We played this song during Keller’s memorial service. It comforted me throughout my pregnancy, our labor, and in the wake of losing Keller. Thank you Lord for placing this hymn in my heart.

And now, as I sit here almost a year after losing Keller, this song brings comfort to me in a completely new way. God was not showing me that I am somehow stronger than others, or even than my own perception of myself. God was showing me that He is stronger. He is stronger than death. He is stronger than anxiety. He is stronger than OCD. He is stronger than depression. He is stronger than fear. He is stronger than panic. He is stronger than chaos. He is strong than this world. More than I have ever known or ever will know.

 

I love the simplicity of this picture. It was taken August 4, 2014.

Nathan had just been informed that he had gotten a job that would move us across the country to Northern Virginia. This began Round 1 of “interval training” in trusting in the Lord and His timing. I confess that I did not trust God prior to 2014. I feigned trusting God. I even sometimes believed I trusted God. However, I only trusted God as far as I could make perfect sense of everything around me. I only trusted in what I could sort out in my own mind (which was typically proceeded by hours, days, maybe months of crippling worry).

We wanted to have another child. We knew we would be moving. We had no idea when that move would be. It could be 5 months. It could be 18 months (it was).

We decided to trust. The Lord would provide. He would provide regardless of the timing, the location, the season – all we had to do was trust in this truth. Throw our trust up to God and know for certain that He’s got this. This trust is some of the hardest work I have ever done.

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose.*

Romans 8:28 ESV

(*Some would say that things did not “work together for good”. It did. That’s why Jesus is awesome.)

This was Round 1, and the Lord has been training us in trust over and over and over the past two years.