December 31, 2014. This is our first picture as a family of four, and we didn’t even know it. I love the joy growing with a family brings.

I set a mantra for myself for 2015: “You are stronger than you know”.

I sat down intending to write about the poetry of choosing this mantra without realizing it would be the most difficult year of my life. I thought I would write how God has indeed proved I am stronger than I ever knew. And then I listened to Stronger (Zoe Group).

There is Love
That came for us
Humbled to a sinner’s cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

No beginning and no end
You’re my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

(Lyrics by Hillsong)

We played this song during Keller’s memorial service. It comforted me throughout my pregnancy, our labor, and in the wake of losing Keller. Thank you Lord for placing this hymn in my heart.

And now, as I sit here almost a year after losing Keller, this song brings comfort to me in a completely new way. God was not showing me that I am somehow stronger than others, or even than my own perception of myself. God was showing me that He is stronger. He is stronger than death. He is stronger than anxiety. He is stronger than OCD. He is stronger than depression. He is stronger than fear. He is stronger than panic. He is stronger than chaos. He is strong than this world. More than I have ever known or ever will know.