A moment of praise:
I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving. The response received from yesterday’s post brings me to my knees. God is mighty. I’m at a loss. Only God can make something as terrifying as OCD and anxiety a chance to knit souls together as we fight in the trenches toward light. I am praying over all who reached out, and I pray I can encourage you in your battle. I love you all, and I praise God for you and your bravery. Oh God may I humbly serve your children and bring glory to your name.
32 weeks. We were now committed to being in California for the birth of Keller. Now I would be able to unleash all of my nesting instincts, and get everything perfect for Keller’s arrival. I think the day I was 32 weeks I set up his crib. I was both excited and anxious to focus my anxiety ridden mine on profitable efforts. It was such good therapy focusing in and creating a safe home for Keller.
I cleared out three of my dresser drawers for Keller. I put all of his tiny onesies and pants in a drawer. I put all of his tiny diapers, wipes, and pacis in another. I filled the last with toys, baby carriers, bottles, and nursing gear.
My hospital bag was packed. Mary’s bag was packed. Nathan’s bag was packed. I had a 2 page information and reference sheet – basically a trouble shooting guide- to caring for Mary written out for our friends that would watch her when Keller was ready to come. Suffice it to say, even down to the smallest minutiae, we were so ready for you Keller. Your mommy had thought of everything. The week before Keller’s birth – I had exhausted every possible item on the to do list. Mary and I then took to making artwork anticipating baby brother’s arrival. We were just ready. So ready.
That is just how my brain has always worked. Prepare for every possible scenario. If you properly and fully prepare, you are then protected. You are protected from any curve balls that are thrown at you, because you not only anticipated those curve balls, you planned for them. You are ready. You did all the work. Nothing can scare you now. You have worried enough about each and every potential circumstance that your heart and mind are fully prepared. You are now prepared to trust God because you have “figured out” just how you will trust him in any given scenario. This is a lie. Only God can guide you through the eye of the storm. No amount of thinking ahead will prepare you and/or lessen the blow. In fact, worrying over worst case scenarios only robs you of the goodness God is placing right in front of you.
We were so ready for Keller. We were ready to welcome him into his world with all the love and dedication we could muster up. We were not ready to give birth to our stillborn child. We had not anticipated Keller dying inside of me. Nothing could have ever made us ready. And you know what? There is SUCH beauty in that. There is beauty in the fact that God indeed has the whole world in His hands and we DO NOT NEED to be ready. He is ready. It’s in his hands. He’s going to fight for us. I promise you. He has done all the fighting. We need only be still.
More curve balls are coming our way. We are certain of this. They may be small and manageable or colossal, sudden, and earth shattering. This fact is constantly present in my mind. It is especially present as we work through decisions regarding future children. There is a lot of fear and a lot of unknown. Strangely, or rather, Divinely, losing Keller has granted us peace. This world knows death. We know the Overcomer. This is the Overcomer who has held our hand and is guiding us through the storm of losing our son. This is the Overcomer who will deliver us again and again and again.
“The Lord is my light and my salvation; who shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”
“In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.”
OCD and Anxiety disorders are not the same as worry. I have the utmost recognition and respect for this differentiation.